Unemployed Film Festival - Selection #2 - Steve Jobs

I hadn't even been thinking about a possible post topic when I went to the movies with my husband the other night, but that's just what happens when you have a blog.  Art imitates life, or something like that.

We saw the new Steve Jobs movie, appropriately called Steve Jobs.  We had both seen the previous movie about his life starring Ashton Kutcher, but this movie is a lot different.  The previous movie was more of a biography, whereas this new film is more of a character study of the man himself.  For the real bio, try Wikipedia or something.  Suffice it to say, Steve Jobs was a visionary technology leader who made many enemies, lost his job very publicly, only to get his job back a few years later and grow Apple to one of the largest tech companies in the world. I'm going to focus on the part where he lost his job and some of his personality traits that made him a horrible human being. 

The truth:

Losing his job affected him in a very personal way - Obviously, for Steve Jobs, losing his job was like losing his child. In fact, he valued his company way more than his actual child, but more on that later.  He had founded the company and hand-picked the CEO to lead the business side of things. That CEO ended up being the guy who somewhat helped get him fired.  I say somewhat, because really the CEO, John Scully, wasn't at fault.  Steve refused to function as a part of a team, and he outright refused to recognize where the business was at and where it was headed.  He had grand visions for the future, but he was way ahead of the times.  His refusal to see reality made him ineffective in any capacity. 

I assume he felt some embarrassment, but it's hard to tell - I was too young to care about corporate business when this all went down, but I have to think losing your job in a way that makes national news would be more than a little humiliating.  I was humiliated when I got laid off, and that barely made the local news.  At any rate, there certainly weren't any articles that mentioned me or my failures by name.  Not so for Mr. Jobs. The difference is, he channeled his humiliation down more of a revenge path. 

He was filthy, stinking rich, even without a job - Here's the difficult thing about comparing Steve Jobs' job loss versus a normal person (like me); he didn't need a job.  He was worth billions in stock holdings for a company that was failing.  My husband likes to point out that CEO and Director level positions are the only kinds of jobs where you get paid exorbitant amounts of money because you were terrible at your job.  Must be nice.  I was just good enough to leave with normal severance. Guess I should have tried sucking a little more.  Obviously most people who get fired or laid off actually need the job and the income that comes with it.  It's hard to feel sorry for someone who built their own gold-lined coffin.

When it came to dolling out layoffs himself, he felt no emotion about it - Later in his career, Steve Jobs resumes his post as CEO of Apple.  Having not learned anything in his years as a total asshole, he ends up having to lay off massive amounts of people to keep his failing pet projects funded.  Even when friends try to explain how he needs to at least acknowledge their service to the company on the way out, he refuses.  He thinks he built Apple all on his own, and those who worked on discontinued but formerly successful product lines have nothing to do with any success he's had.  From a corporate perspective, this is spot-on.  He doesn't feel anything personal for his employees.  They are merely there to facilitate his ideas.  And when they are no longer needed, they are shown the door.  It's not personal, it's business.  And in my opinion, it's the attitude that will destroy civilization if we keep going down this road.

The lies:

There aren't really any lies in how the job losses were handled, because these were true events.

What can we learn from this:

No amount of career success is worth working for a company that doesn't value its people - I've been thinking about the truth of this statement for the past few weeks. The whole, "it's not personal, it's business" attitude is an impossible but necessary feature of large corporations.  If my employer had cared about all of us who got let go, then they wouldn't have been able to do it.  It just would have been too impossibly hard, and they would have let the company sink instead.  Anyone still there who thinks they are somehow important to the company should really get a dose of reality. If you work at a big (especially public) corporation, you are there to make the shareholders money. If the company makes terrible financial decisions that inhibit this goal, you will be cut very unceremoniously, regardless of how important you think you are.  That's sweet, isn't it?  But I'm starting to see that not all businesses have to operate in this cold manner.  Smaller companies can often actually care about the people they employ instead of just pretending that they do.

Corporate business is a huge game - Steve Jobs lost his job publicly and immediately channeled his humiliation into a new start-up that produced a product that he knew Apple would eventually need - all so he could eventually take back his old company.  What a waste of time.  But I've seen it play out over and over in the corporate world. A few years ago, my former company went through a huge reorganization and the CEO was ousted very publicly.  He's been working ever since to create a new company, and now that his former company is in such dire straights, I don't think it's outside the realm of possibility that he'll try to buy it back.  Game on. I'm all for a good round of corporate chess, but the problem is those pesky employees, like me, always get caught in the middle.

Family comes first - Steve Jobs was a terrible father.  He wouldn't even recognize paternity of his own daughter until a court made him do so.  And even once he was a billionaire, he still made his ex-girlfriend (and mother of his daughter) beg for money to keep the heat on and the car running.  I wouldn't associate with a person who ran their life this way, and you know what, I don't want to work for them either.  Now more than ever, I'm seeing just how important family is.  Even at my worst in this whole jobless existence, I've got a husband who's ready to tell me how amazing I am.  I've got parents and siblings who think I'm great, even without the successful corporate gig. That's worth more than a big bank account or a fancy job.

What you do for a living matters far less to how you act as a person - Steve Jobs was obsessed with his own accomplishment.  I'm ashamed to say I've spent years of my life stuck in a similar rut of dysfunction. I obviously was not as big a deal as Steve Jobs, but I wore my corporate title like a badge of honor.  Now that I've had some time to process it, I've realized that I wasn't curing cancer and the world doesn't need me as much as I had presumed it did.  Once I'm fully down from my high horse, I'll be better able to get a new, normal job.  I want my next career to either be service oriented for the greater good, or mundane enough that it pays the bills without me getting all uppity about it.  I want to be remembered for the kind of person I was, not how much money I made.

Failure at one thing doesn't mean failure at everything - This has been a tough pill to swallow.  I know that right now during this period of my life, how I respond to adversity is more important than the adversity itself.  The problem is the internal self-talk that's ready to tell me I'm a total failure just because I got caught working at a company that can't manage its own budget.  It wasn't my failure that led to me getting laid off, it was my company's failure.  But somehow, I doubt the CEO goes home at night and licks his wounds, worried about how the world views him.  I need to similarly get on with life and embrace whatever comes next, while giving myself a clean slate.


Today's Updates

• Being unemployed is its own brand of torture.  Sure, there's all the perks of having free time, but all I really want to do is go back to work. That's proving difficult since nobody will even interview me for a job.  I've applied for about 20 positions so far.  I've gotten outright rejections from 4 without even an interview.  The others I can't get any response from anyone.  It could be the time of year, but it feels personal.  I know that's the negative self speak, but it's hard not to start to believe it.
• A friend hilariously asked me the other day if I was depressed about being laid off. What I wanted to say was, "why would I be depressed just because a company that I poured my time and effort into fired me without warning or cause?  Why would I be depressed because there are no jobs in the field I'm best suited for, and probably won't be for several more years?  Why on Earth would I be depressed about the fact that I can't have kids now because I can't afford to?"  It's clear that my mind wanders to dark places when I'm under stress.  I wish I could be one of those people who naively walks around and thinks that everything is wonderful even when there's zero proof.  I'm not.  That being said, I wouldn't call myself depressed.  I just need to go back to work.  With that in mind...
• I lined up a temporary internal audit job at a company I used to work for back in Missouri.  I called my old boss and it just so happened she has a girl going on maternity leave so she could use some extra help.  I'll be making the journey to Joplin for 3 days each week.  I don't need the money, but I'm delighted to have an opportunity to feel useful again. I loved working at this company many years ago, so I'm happy to have something pleasant to look forward to in December. My husband is a saint for making this possible for me.  He knows I need it really bad, so he's being an excellent sport. 
• As for my plan progress, it's holding steady.  I'm not being rigid about it, but most days I get up between 6:30-6:45am, do my bible study (which has been awesome), work-out at the gym, get dressed, work on job stuff, handle household issues and budget stuff, make dinner, and enjoy an evening with my husband. My goal in having a plan was just to keep moving and be better able to transition back to the working world when the time comes.  It must be working, because I had to get up at 5:30am the other day for a continuing education conference.  That's my old usual wake-up time, and I thought it would be difficult, but it was super easy!  Score one for the plan.  My husband is similarly pleased with the variance of our dinner menu.  I'm trying out all kinds of good recipes and having fun expanding my culinary range. Luckily, because of my serious gym commitment, I'm not expanding my waistline at the same time.

Making lemonade from lemons

This is the first full week where I'm actually focusing on working my plan.  I've tackled all the major newlywed errands and I've settled into my new home - which I'm loving, by the way.  I can't recommend married life enough! Hopefully my husband feels the same.

Predictably, I'm loving some aspects of the plan more than others. I've been getting up at 6:30am, getting dressed for the gym, having my Bible study time in the living room, and then hitting the gym for an hour.  I'm sore every day, but I feel really good about how I'm hitting the ground running.  I finally got my personalized plan from the trainer, which I'll be starting next week.  It looks intense, but I guess that is sort of what I asked for. This week, I've also managed to shower and get completely dressed each day.  It's a good feeling to know I could go to a job interview at a moments notice (not that I've had to).  Also, I can run to the street the second I hear the ice-cream truck coming (not that I've done that...cough-lies-cough).  

The parts of the plan that are a little more challenging are cleaning, cooking, and actually working.  I have managed to clean and cook everyday, but I'm putting a little too much pressure on myself to make new dinners every night.  Most of the pressure is because I want my husband to feel like he got a good wife.  I know he does even without the plethora of dinner options, but it's also that it's the one thing I can show him that I did each day.  I miss being successful.  The approval I get through his yummy noises is really important to me.

Cleaning is just a terrible activity no matter how you spin it.  It always feels pointless since I know in the not-to-distant future, I'll just have to clean everything again. I'm much better at keeping things picked up, as my husband can attest.  I believe one of the first things he noticed in my house when we were dating were the cobwebs. I would love to hire a housekeeper for the deep cleaning stuff, but the whole not having a job thing sort of puts a damper on totally unnecessary expenses.  I have actually cleaned some things, but mostly I'm putting off the real cleaning in favor of decorating and organizing projects around the house since I just moved in a couple of weeks ago. I know the list of projects is dwindling and eventually I'll actually have to clean something.  Let's pray I find a job before that happens.

Getting down to the actual work each day is the biggest challenge. Right now, I'm working with some career transition coaches and resume experts to fine tune my resume, especially in light of the fact that I may be switching careers.  The hope is that when I'm ready to start job searching, I'll have better luck getting an interview since my resume will look so amazing.  The problem is, I'm not feeling ready to really job search, and the process of working on the resume stuff is sort of sucking every ounce of creativity out of my soul. Luckily, I'm not succumbing to the pull of the television or social media distractions.  But I'm just having a hard time finding the motivation to take personality assessments and craft professional, catchy sentences about my career potential.  It's mind numbing.

It's also reminded me of some of the stupid corporate initiatives I used to have to do all the time at my old job.  I couldn't help but be gleeful today when I started thinking about all the little corporate time wasters that no longer take up my day.  There's a serious silver lining to not having a job.  Let me outline it for you in a list I'll call...

Things I don't miss about corporate life:

• Meetings!  In my old job, I had at least 1 meeting every day.  There were lots of days I had 2-3 meetings, and on occasion I had up to 6 in one day. In 8ish years of work, I can count on 1 hand the number of meetings that were a quality use of my time. Most of the meetings were more like a meeting for a meeting for a meeting for a meeting.  And the company wonders why they aren't performing better.  Maybe it's because people are stuck in pointless meetings when they should be working.
• Goal setting! Now don't get me wrong, it's great to have goals, but the way corporate America does it is complete bullshit.  Every year, I would have to come up with extra projects/goals in addition to my normal work, in a job that was overloaded to begin with.  Then a supervisor or manager would review my selections and usually add more goals to it to further their own goals.  Then throughout the year, I would have to monitor completion of the goals, and sweat about whether or not I could actually hit the goals I and my supervisor had set.  The whole goal thing was fine at first, but as the years went by and the company started to struggle, it became harder and harder to set attainable goals.  I had been working on a goal project the morning I got laid off.  Now those goals that I had worried about so much, won't be met by anybody, and the world will still spin as per usual. What a joke. 
• Team building!  This had become such a big deal at my former company in the last couple of years. Basically you take 60 people who work together but don't really know each other that well, and make them go bowling or carve a pumpkin or compete in bar trivia.  It sounds like an okay idea in theory, but the reason these people don't know each other that well is because they don't want too.  We're all college educated folks.  We know how to make friends.  If we wanted to talk about our personal lives with each other, we'd already be doing that.
• Unstable stock price! This had become such a silent killer over the last few years.  I had been watching the stock drop slowly for a couple of years until the past 9 months or so when it completely bottomed out, Unfortunately, that killed a lot of my bonus too, since I'm sitting on shares of stock which are now all but worthless.  Thanks for nothing.
• Vacation requests! Having to justify every request for time off made me feel like the 7th grader who has to ask for the pass to use the bathroom.  It's my time, I should be allowed to take it however I want as long as I'm getting my work done.  
• Horrible bosses!  Now, I won't be naming names, but in my career, I've had far more bad bosses than good ones.  I think this is a pretty common phenomenon.  Corporate America has a problem with associating good work product with good management skills.  Those qualities are not the same things, in fact, you could almost consider them mutually exclusive in some cases. Just because you excel at doing the actual work, doesn't mean you'd be good at managing the people who do the work. Good management skills can't be wholly taught.  You have to have some innate ability to manage people before you can be considered a good manager.  Your skills can be improved with time and maturity, but some people just don't have it, and as luck would have it, those folks were usually my bosses.  There were some notable exceptions.  I'm not sure I would make the best manager, but if I were in that position, I'd try to emulate the good examples I've had over the years. 
• Office politics!  This is a necessary evil that permeates every corporate environment.  But at my former job, it had gotten so bad that I had finally just given up playing the game altogether. I'm not sure if you can tell, but I'm an opinionated type, and that doesn't always work so well in a corporate setting.  I'll seldom leave you wondering what I'm thinking, but at my former job, people mostly wanted to hear their own thoughts and ideas parroted back to them.  I'm not a wind-up monkey doll.  I don't pick up choreography very quickly. I prefer to march to  my own drum and have my own opinions. If I think the plan is stupid, I'll tell you so in as diplomatic a manner as is possible. 

I'm sure there are other aspects of corporate life I don't miss, but that's all I can think of for now. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things I do miss, but it's almost exclusively the people I worked with...not all of them, of course. But that's a topic for another post.

Here are my accomplishments as of late:

• 6:30am wake-up call answered daily - Major win!
• Bible study every morning - This has been great, and I'll expound on that more later.
• Gym for an hour every day - something hurts every afternoon, but that just tells me my time has been well spent.
• Dressed for success every day - this is really good for me, and helps keep me from pursuing napping as my new profession. 
• Job search strategies and networking class - This was offered through the transition service and I took it on a whim.  It wasn't bad.
• Worked on my resume
• Took some personality assessments through the career transition service.  Found out that I'm well suited for the kind of work I already know how to do.  I was hoping it would tell me my calling was to be a stay-at-home wife.  I would have also accepted librarian.  0 for 2. 
• Redecorated the guest bathroom
• Decorated the hallway
• Updated some items in the master bedroom and bathroom - my poor husband has to come home every day and wonder what will have changed.  Lucky for him, I'm almost done.
• Signed up for a CLE course - I'm short a few hours for the year, but I can't go losing my law license now!  Thankfully this conference was much cheaper than I had anticipated and will take care of my training deficit. 
• Updated my info with some professional organizations.
• Did more budget updates - more on this in a future post, but suffice it to say, we're doing just fine.
• Made dinner - This week's menu includes lasagna, roasted broccoli, tacos, ham and beans, cornbread, chicken noodle soup, brownies, and banana pudding.  My husband is happy and fed, mission accomplished.
• Household errands - got a winter coat (because I legitimately needed one) and handled some more wedding gift returns/exchanges
• Wrote this blog
• Mulled over a possible novel idea - Nothing has been written yet, but it's amazing what your mind will come up with when you're trying to avoid writing a personal branding statement for your fancy new resume. 

Unemployed Film Festival - Selection #1 - The Company Men

Movies are my favorite entertainment vice!  If I could turn my love of movies into something lucrative, I would have been doing that years ago.  Unfortunately, I still haven't been able to figure out a way for someone to pay me $100K+ per year to watch movies all day.  In the meantime, I'd like to take the opportunity, in my laid off state, to host what I'm going to call the Unemployed Film Festival.  Every so often, I will review a movie featuring a plot or main character that deals with a serious job loss.  I will demonstrate how the movie portrays the situation accurately and inaccurately (as will more often be the case), and then use the film to illustrate some important life lessons.  This should be fun!

Film Selection #1 - The Company Men (2010)

Synopsis - taken from the DVD jacket:

Bobby Walker is living the proverbial American dream:  great job, beautiful family, shiny Porsche in the garage. When corporate downsizing leaves him and co-workers Phil Woodward and Gene McClary jobless, the three men are forced to re-define their lives as men, husbands and fathers.

The truth...

This movie doesn't pull any punches.  It's probably why it's one of my favorite business-centered dramas to be released in the last 10  years. It reflects a pretty accurate depiction of corporate employees and the fallout after a layoff.

• People were living way beyond their means - The film opens with interior shots of beautiful homes - immaculate kitchens featuring every useless appliance known to man, a giant TV surrounded by little used video game equipment of every variety, a pristine pool with perfectly still water from lack of use.  It sets the stage for the devastation to come by showing how all the main characters were living beyond their means in the first place.  Most people do this without even realizing just how overextended they really are.  If you think you aren't one of these people, take a good look around your house when you get home tonight and tell me you don't see excess almost everywhere.  It's not pleasant, but if you really evaluate your wants versus your needs against your income, you can find plenty of places to cut.  In the film, Bobby and Phil were similarly situated in that they were out of money almost immediately.  Gene on the other hand was an executive VP and was already a millionaire.  His biggest hit was to his ego.

• The severance offered was minimal - Bobby gets to work at his usual time and is promptly ushered into a meeting where he is told that due to redundancies, his services are no longer required.  He is given 12 weeks of severance in recognition for his 12 years at the company.  This is pretty standard severance for corporate layoffs, and it's a tragedy.  But a company that is barely staying afloat, can't really afford to spend more money for you to find your next career.  I was very lucky that at my company 12 weeks was the minimum severance granted. 

• Phil and Gene think they're safe only to be axed a few months later - Once a company starts having issues that result in a layoff, you're never safe.  In fact, you weren't safe from the beginning.  We put so much faith in these big corporations, but at the end of the day, they don't owe you anything.

• All 3 characters suffer extreme emotional distress at the loss of their careers - Bobby lives in denial for a bit (rolling his eye at the career transition support, still playing golf at the club and getting his Porsche detailed), while Phil starts drinking (eventually committing suicide to escape the mounting debt), and Gene ends up leaving his wife.  The loss of a job can affect you in a very profound way. I know it cut me pretty deep, and I'm just now getting over the hurt of some of it.  I'm still dealing with a feeling of being disoriented and not really knowing what to do with my time. Apart from a few drinks the week of the layoff, I have managed to not go down that rabbit hole.  I have an awesome support system between God, my husband, and my close friends and family.  I also have the benefit of good financial planning and plenty of severance, so I have no fear of ending up like Phil. Suicide may seem like an extreme reaction on Phil's part, but losing a job can bring existing problems into sharp focus, and for him, suicide seemed to be the only solution.  

• Life at the company was dismal after the layoffs - The people in the movie were left to look at rows of empty desks, while tackling sales targets and travel schedules that were all but impossible to meet. There's no way to sugar coat what the folks left at my company are facing right now.  There's got to be loads of uncertainty while tackling a larger pile of work with fewer bodies to do it.  Not to mention, productivity is near zero.

• Any jobs offered came with a massive pay cut - When Bobby had some decent interviews, he was surprised to find that his old salary of $160K was going to be replaced with jobs paying no more than $70K, and that's only if we was willing to relocated halfway across the country. Phil couldn't even get interviews because of his accelerated age. I'm looking at changing careers entirely and starting over salary wise is just a necessary reality of that.  I'm still wrapping my head around it.  That will take some time. 

The lies...

There aren't a lot of inaccuracies about the way this movie portrays a layoff and the emotional turmoil that ensues.  That being said, there are a few.

• Bobby and Phil likely would have been laid off in a mass meeting - The company in this film was laying off thousands at a time.  There's no way they would have been able to have individual meetings for all those firings.  But a mass meeting feels extra cold and doesn't allow for the employee to have any kind of immediate emotional response.  Ask me how I know.

• Bobby's wife pitches in immediately and helps out - I'm not dogging his wife here, her character was one of my favorites from the movie.  But in general, women who are used to being stay-at-home wives don't jump back into a graveyard nursing job at the first sign of financial trouble.  It would be awesome if more women were like her.  You should never get so used to living a cushy life that you don't remember how to make ends meet with a little elbow grease. 

• Bobby's kids start pitching in too - This is also not typical, but it's something that made me love this family even more (especially while Bobby lived in fantasy land).  Bobby's kids figured out pretty quick that things were bad, and they returned their Christmas gifts to help out.  They also didn't complain when the family had to move-in with the grandparents, and the brother and sister suddenly had to share a room.  Your family is the most important thing.  Anything you can do to instill a sense of togetherness in a time of crisis is a far better use of your resources than a new XBox.  

What did we learn?

If you want to know what it feels like to get laid off, watch this movie.  If you just want to see great acting from Ben Affleck, Tommy Lee Jones, and Chris Cooper, then watch this movie.  If you want to laugh and be entertained, please watch something else.  This movie is shockingly realistic regarding the layoff experience.  I can remember seeing it in theaters and just hoping that would never be me.  Now that it is me, I can see plenty of lessons to learn from this flick.

• Try not to take it personally - I'm continuing to struggle with this myself.  It all feels personal, because it affects my life in a very personal way.  But it was in no way personal for the company.  It was just business.  Some execs may care when they go home at night, but they don't work for you, they work for the shareholders, and if they aren't careful, they'll be in the unemployment line next to you. For whatever reason, the layoffs had to happen, and I got caught in it.  It had nothing to do with me.  I still have to remind myself of this on a daily basis. 

• Budget like a crazy person - The characters in this movie struggled with making drastic but necessary changes to their lives.  In the end, all they did was speed up the inevitable.  Luckily, I already budgeted like a boss, so I knew immediately how much money it would take to live.  I also know immediately where I can cut if needed.  My husband currently has a job, but you never know when his job will go away because, now more than ever, we can't predict the future.  We are living in a way that safeguards my severance as long as possible, while keeping all essential bills paid.  In the end, I'll flip hamburgers at multiple places to keep a roof over our heads, if that's what it takes. Hopefully, it won't come to that. 

• Don't turn your nose up at the people and opportunities you have - Bobby was a little slow to respond to his particular crisis, but in the end, he saw what his stubbornness was doing to his family and he took a menial construction job kindly offered by his brother-in-law.  Getting back to work (in any form) not only helped support his family but also renewed his sense of purpose and allowed him to confidently pursue a new opportunity with a much more realistic world-view.  

• You might actually be happier living on and with less - In the end, the movie has a happily-ever-after wrap-up that feels convenient but needed after 2 hours of depression.  Gene takes his millions and starts a new, smaller company based on the values that he felt his former company had abandoned.  He brings Bobby on in a managerial role.  He's funding the entire operation himself, so he takes no salary and pays the employees fair wages, but less than they are accustomed to.  Bobby is happy to have a job that pays $80K per year, but tells his brother-in-law at the construction site that he might actually be happier doing physical work rather than corporate.  His brother-in-law quickly steers him back to the office and the big salary, but Bobby will no doubt tackle this new opportunity with a much better perspective than he had before.  His wife, similarly is pleased with their new, simpler lifestyle.  In her words, "you were never here before, and now you are."  At the end of the day, you can't put a price on your emotional health and the time you have with people you love. 

Today's Accomplishments

• Got up at 6am!!
• Met my trainer at 7am and worked on creating my new workout plan; ended up doing about 30 minutes of cardio
• Did my Bible study for the day
• Made breakfast
• Got dressed
• Inquired about the job from yesterday - it sounds interesting, so I went ahead and emailed my resume to the hiring manager - we'll see what happens
• Had a coaching session with my national career coach 
• Worked on my resume
• Handled some budget stuff
• Cleaned the kitchen
• scrubbed the bathrooms
• Wrote this blog
• Made dinner - turkey feta burgers with baked potato wedges and brussel sprouts
• Enjoyed a movie date with my husband

I will be taking the weekend off like any normal working girl, but I'll see you bright and early Monday for week two of my unemployed adventure.

Way down deep, I'm still hoping I'll win the lottery.

It's surprising how busy you can be when you don't have a job.  I couldn't even post yesterday because my schedule was too tight. It's amazing all the things I had to get done back when I had a regular 40+ hour a week job.  That probably explains why I was so exhausted all the time.

After my normal gym routine and lunch with some friends, I attended 2 classes and a coaching session provided by the career transition company.  The classes I chose were resume writing and interview skills.  I know I'm a professional who's applied and interviewed for plenty of jobs in my day - hell, I've even given interviews for my former company for the past 4 years, but I feel like I should take advantage of whatever services are offered while I'm in between jobs.  Overall, I'd say the classes were very helpful and a good use of my time.  It was nice to get out of the house and focus on something career oriented, even if I'm not quite sure what that career should be.

The strangest part of my day was picking up the boxes of personal items from my former office.  The career transition center is staffed with one employee from my former company.  They've hired a security guard to protect her from all the crazed, disgruntled former employees trying to learn how to write good cover letters. Since I was on my honeymoon when I was supposed to pick up my personal items, she had offered to have them waiting for me when I attended my classes.  There were 4 boxes, and they looked pretty heavy.  Luckily, the security guard moonlights as a guy who carries boxes. On the way out to my car, we got to talking about layoffs.  He said he had recently completed his master's degree, and was promptly laid off by a local oil and gas company.  Somehow, knowing that the best job a highly educated guy could find in this environment was a pseudo security detail where you also had to do heavy lifting, didn't inspire much confidence.  In other news, I'm sure the gal in the office would be delighted to know her security guard is ready and willing to defend her with his MBA.

Much like the highly-educated moving guy, I'm experiencing a strange sensation right now.  My personality would normally be totally freaked out by my lack of a job.  I can't believe I haven't been lying awake at night in a cold sweat, worrying about how many months I have until my husband and I have to sell our house and move in with his parents.  For the record, we probably won't have to do that, but still, it's just the kind of irrational worry I would normally have at this stage.  But for some reason, I'm feeling pretty significant peace about just existing for a while and enjoying some breathing room.

Part of me says that's really stupid, and I should stop being a hippy and get back to work.  The other part, the part I'm going to listen to, says to enjoy this gift, because I've been working full time or going to school or both for the past 13 years, and I need a little break. I feel like if I rushed out and tried to find another job right now, that's exactly what I'd find, just another "job."  What I'm looking for is a new career, a new reason to be excited to get up at 5am and go produce work for corporate America. It's kind of a tall order.

Thankfully, my husband is on board with me taking a little break.  I'm sure in 4 months he'll feel differently, but hopefully so will I. I'm still going to be working on my resume and researching careers that seem interesting.  Currently, I'm open to any path that doesn't involve me selling bodily fluids or hawking fruit at intersections.  For the record, the fruit thing was totally on the table, until I figured out you have to grow the fruit yourself. I guess, by extension, that takes farming off the table too.  Obviously, if a job opportunity comes my way that seems enticing, I'll pursue it.  I'm just not going to panic about finding another "job" right now.  And if I'm being honest, way down deep, I'm still hoping I'll win the lottery.  A girl's got to have dreams.

Here are my latest updates just to prove I'm still sort of earning my keep:

Yesterday's Accomplishments

• Made the bed.
• Went to the gym and kicked my own butt for 70 minutes.
• Completed my bible study for the day.
• Cleaned the kitchen.
• Got all dressed up.
• Met some former coworkers for lunch.
• Attended 2 career transition classes - resume writing and interview skills.
• Had a meeting with my career coach.
• Made dinner - enchilada lasagna, corn casserole, and pumpkin muffins (yum!!).
• Enjoyed the evening with my husband catching up on our DVR shows.

Today's Accomplishments

• Got up at 7am (still a win even though it's later than I'd like).
• Went to the gym and worked out for 60 minutes (my legs are killing me).
• Got all dressed up.
• Went to a Weight Watchers meeting with a bunch of really old women.
• Got my new driver's license.
• Changed my car title.
• Made lunch.
• Reviewed some career transition documents and information.
• Inquired about a job (not too worried or excited about it, just something that came up).
• Wrote this blog.
• Reviewed wedding pics (Yay!!).
• Handled some budget stuff.
• Watched a movie (stay tuned for a future layoff themed film festival post).

Is this real life?

I went to the movies last night with my husband...on a Monday...at 9pm.  I haven't gone to a late movie on a school night since I actually was in school.  It felt really scandalous - just further proof that I need to live a little.

Getting home around midnight put my 6:30am wake-up plan on the back burner.  I did manage to crawl out of bed when my husband got up at 7:30am.  I promptly changed into my workout togs and got myself to the local Planet Fitness.  I was sucked in by their $10 a month fee, which coincidentally comes with about $60 in additional fees and a 13 month commitment. Oh well, it's still the cheapest gym option by far, and it's a brand-new facility that doesn't yet reek of sweat and intimidation.  I did a full 60 minutes today and my abs are already crying.

I signed up for a personal training class on Friday at 7am.  I'm actually excited about this.  For years, I only did cardio at the gym because those were the machines I knew how to work.  About 9 months ago, I started taking some strength classes at my then employer-sponsored gym.  I learned how to use a lot of the weight machines and how to incorporate the strength component into my normal gym routine.  The results were awesome, and overall, it's made me hate the gym a whole lot less. I like having a challenge or plan to follow (hence this blog), so the trainer is supposed to design a program for me that I can work on my own.

Once I got cleaned up and fed, I sat down in my home office to try, yet again, to access the career transition services website.  I can't figure out what's been more emotionally trying - getting laid off or trying to access this damn website.  The whole thing is starting to feel like a cruel joke.  The site doesn't work, so I call the help line, where the call center rep apologizes profusely for all the technical issues and assures me that the site will be up and running soon.  The person I spoke to today said that part of the problem is volume on the site during the day.  She encouraged me to try logging on after 10pm when traffic is much lower.  I was all set to give her some biting remark about how I had be at work early and an after 10pm schedule is unreasonable, but then I remembered that I don't have a job, and this woman knows that since she works for the career transition folks. Smug bastards.

I'm done with that for the day.  It's too frustrating.

Instead, I'm going to tackle a few more newlywed errands and handle a few chores around the house. Just to prove my worth, here's my list of accomplishments for today:

• Made the bed.
• Joined Planet Fitness and worked out for 60 minutes.
• Made breakfast.
• Got dressed.
• Cleaned the kitchen.
• Wrote this blog.

And here's what I'm going to do later:

• File the marriage license at the courthouse and purchase 5 certified copies.
• Get a new driver's license.
• Change my car title.
• Apply for a new social security card.
• Update the following companies with my new name - credit card, bank account, cell phone, car insurance, professional license organizations.
• Organize the master closet.

My husband has his tennis league tonight, so I'm absolved from having to cook, but I may spend some time looking at recipes for future dinners.  Above all today, I'm going to try to enjoy the fact that I didn't have to get up at 5am and fight traffic to go sit at a desk where my contributions were much stressed over but little noticed.

All dressed up and nowhere to go.

Welcome to day one of the "Fall of Mariah!"

Hmm, that was supposed to be more inspiring - sort of akin to the "Summer of George" from Seinfeld, but instead, it reads more like my life has fallen apart.

I had a whole plan to start my day bright and early at a new gym, but it seems in addition to an over-priced deck of playing cards, I also brought back a stomach bug as a honeymoon souvenir. My new husband and I have quickly gotten over our shyness at never having lived together and all the bathroom related awkwardness that implies.  We had no choice, given that we both came down with a case of the DRRs (Dominican Republic Runs). That's just a disease I made up.  Don't WebMD that or anything.

This post has really gone down the toilet, but trust me, I have plenty of other shit to cover today.

I mentioned in my previous post that I needed a plan.  I'm a task oriented person by nature.  It's part of what makes made me good at my job.  Trying to navigate this new unemployed existence without some kind of a game plan gives me extreme anxiety.  I go from being confident about my employability in so many fields, to seeing myself on the couch, buried under throw blankets and Krispy Kremes, 100lbs heavier, injecting myself at regular intervals with insulin to support my new diabetes diagnosis.  In other words, not living the dream.

But it's still daunting to start at square one.  Before I went on my honeymoon, I jotted down a few random thoughts that, post trauma, have sort of congealed themselves into a schedule for how to spend my unemployed days. It's still a work in progress, but here are the 7 things I think I need to do while I'm between careers:

1. Pray
2. Exercise
3. Clean
4. Work
5. Create
6. Cook
7. Recharge

I know myself and my lazy tendencies well enough to know that I have to have a schedule and a to-do list.  I don't want this to feel super rigid; I just need enough structure to get through a normal-length day without succumbing to the gentle pull of QVC and Maury Povich.

Here's how this will work:

6:30am - My alarm will go off, and I will ignore the impulse to hit snooze.  This is an hour and a half later than I'm used to getting up, so this should not be an issue.  I don't mind taking advantage of a more relaxed schedule, but I don't want to lose the ability to go to work at a normal time.

6:45am - Now dressed for the gym, I will spend about 30 minutes on a bible study/quiet time with the Lord.  This is one of those things I always tell myself I would do if I didn't have such a tight work schedule.  Well, I've been given the gift of time, so I'm going to use it to strengthen my relationship with the Big Guy! I hear he's a great counselor, and I assume that includes all manner of career transition services.

7:15am - Head to the gym.  I already found a Planet Fitness very near my house.  It's affordable - $10 a month, and comes with free personal training services.  I'm used to working out 30 minutes 4-5 days a week.  I'm going to start putting in 60 minutes 5 days a week.  I may be unemployed, but I'm going to look GOOD while doing nothing!

8:45am - I am going to clean something!  Admittedly, this is the part of the plan I am the least excited about.  My own husband, who not even two weeks ago publicly pledged to support me forever, has zero faith in my abilities here. To be clear, "clean something" can mean a number of things.  Basically, I just mean I'm going to contribute to the running of the house in some way - I can actually clean a room or a bathroom, tidy up a space, organize a closet, tackle a random errand, etc.

9:30am - Hit the showers.  I'm going to bathe, get dressed in normal clothes (not just fancy sweats), fix my hair, and put on make-up and jewelry. I think this is a crucially important step for anyone experiencing a traumatic life event. And my husband will probably appreciate that I don't smell like a foot.

10:00am - Get to work.  This will look different on different days.  I will be researching careers and companies, applying for jobs, following up on applications, handling severance related paperwork, taking career transition courses, etc.

12:00pm - A girl's got to eat!

12:30pm - Time to create!  I have a number of creative hobbies that I never get to pursue anymore because I simply don't have time.  I'm going to give myself about a half hour every day to play the piano or flute, work on a knitting project, or do something else that gets my creative juices flowing. Suddenly I'm reminded of being in elementary school.  We had what they called "specials" which were our daily art, music, or library time. Adults deserve "specials" too.

1:00pm - Get back to work.  More of the same - researching careers, applying for jobs, finding networking opportunities, work on this blog or other writing projects.

4:00pm - Recharge.  I need to take some time to just relax - watch a little extra television, read a book, catch up on some blogs I enjoy, take a nap - whatever floats my boat that day.

5:30pm - Make dinner.  My husband is totally on board with this part of the plan.  I have gotten lazy about cooking over the past few months while I've been waiting to get married.  Now that I have a permanent home again, I want to work on making new and interesting dinners every night.  My husband is concerned about my use of the word "interesting."

In addition to the schedule, I'd like to do the following things each week:

1. Attend one Weight Watchers meeting.
2. Shop for groceries.
3. Have lunch out with a friend or my husband once per week.

Hopefully, I'll be able to give regular updates on this blog about my progress.  If the schedule doesn't work, I'll adjust it.  It's all a work in progress after all, and the point is to keep me focused, not make me hate my new life.

But here's the thing about the best laid plans - they get screwed up in a hurry.  I was sort of supposed to start this new schedule today, but there are a number of things I need to do as a newly married gal before I can really get going.  So here's what I did instead:

• Made the bed - yes, I'm counting that as an accomplishment.
• Showered, dressed, hair fixed, and make-up and jewelry on.
• Got my home office set up.
• Unpacked from the honeymoon - yeah, I'd been putting that off.
• Washed, folded, and put away 3 loads of laundry.
• Organized the master bathroom (now that my stuff is officially moved in).
• Cleaned out the guest bedroom - it had been used as wedding prep central.
• Had lunch with my husband and mother-in-law.
• Unpacked and put away a few wedding presents.
• Tried to access the online career transition services website my company paid for - this was annoying and really deserves its own post.  Suffice it to say, nothing at the company works, and the call center reps don't speak English.  Thanks for nothing.
• Signed up for career coaching, resume prep, and interview skills courses through the physical career transition office.  I'll be taking those classes on Wednesday.  I'm not sure I need them, but I want to take advantage of whatever is offered to me in terms of advice or assistance. 
• Sent my resume to someone I know at another company who had sought me out while I was on my honeymoon.  I'm not sure this will turn into anything, but you never know, and I certainly appreciated someone showing some interest. 
• Updated my budget to reflect my most recent paycheck.  It's so weird to still get a normal paycheck even though I don't really have a job anymore.
• Wrote this blog.

All in all, it wasn't a bad day.  I feel like I got a few things done on the career front, while still easing into a new schedule. The rest of my week will probably be a little off schedule while I take care of some newlywed business like getting a new social security card and driver's license.  

I'm feeling better as the day goes on, so I am going to start back to the gym in the morning.  That should be interesting after a week of heavy food and lots and lots of vodka. I wonder if Planet Fitness will provide me a personal vomit bucket.  I guess that's what the trainer is for.

Since I'm used to having coworkers to talk to all day, I'd appreciate some comment love to make me feel less alone.  Tell me what you think about the plan, share your layoff story, or post some advice or encouragement.  The more cliche the better.  If it belongs on a motivational poster, it belongs on this blog...obviously. 

I just got laid...off.

Getting laid off is just like being paid to be on vacation...with the Griswold family.  You have severe emotional swings for about two weeks, but you know in the end things will all work out.....you just hope you don't kill grandma or the family dog in the process.

I didn't know what it would feel like to lose my job, but I knew it was a possibility.  I work, or should say worked, in an industry totally dependent on commodity prices.  Prices are extremely low right now with no hope of rebounding anytime soon.  The writing was sort of on the wall; I just didn't know my name was on the list.

Without sounding too whiny, I really thought I was good at my job.  I had worked at my company for about 8 years.  In that time I had received 3 promotions and 7 raises that made me an extremely expensive employee.  That's not a bad position to be in unless the company, and more specifically the industry, isn't doing so hot. I liked my job for the most part.  The last few years had been the toughest though emotionally, if I'm being honest.

On the day my life fell apart (dramatic much?), I started my day in the usual way.  I hit the gym at 6am, where I joked with my trainer about the possibility of layoffs.  I got to work at 7:30am, where I immediately started killing it (well, okay, maybe that's exaggerating).  But I was actually working on a serious project that morning.  A couple of hours later, I was told in a meeting of about 45 other employees that we were a valuable company asset that was no longer required.  We were assured that we would be treated with dignity and respect every step of the way.  Then I was ushered out of the building as quickly as possible and told that someone would ship me my belongings.  Very respectfully, of course.

I have never felt more dignified as I walked to my car with a piece of paper telling me where I could access my online severance documents. I'm not a public crier, so I focused my breathing and worked on making it to my car before letting my emotions fly.  All I really managed to do was make myself hyperventilate.

I drove to my soon-to-be husband's house, because I didn't know where else to go.  Our wedding was in 3 days, so it would be just as appropriate to call it my house.  Side note: if you're going to lose your job, you should always lose it the week of your wedding.  It gives you ample time to run last-minute errands, and it's the ideal time to pay $10,000 for a fancy dinner for family, friends, and their plus ones whom you've never met.  I put on the uniform of the unemployed (pajamas), and settled in for an HGTV marathon of watching yuppies with promising careers look at houses they can't really afford.

I cried.  A lot.

My fella came home at lunch, where I cried so much he had to change his shirt.

I fell asleep crying, then I woke up crying.  And started the cycle over again.  For the record, I'm pretty much done crying.

Everyone in my life was worried about me.  I kept getting texts, calls, and emails urging me to look on the bright side, hang in there, and focus on my wedding. I truly did appreciate the support, but my snarky, sarcastic personality wanted to tell everyone to go to hell. Luckily I didn't, so I still have friends now that I'm back from the dark side.  I was able to spend the next few days and week enjoying my wedding and honeymoon.  It was a real gift to have something that pleasant to focus on in the midst of a very trying emotional event. It also made it impossible for people to refuse me anything.  Being a bride gives you a license to be demanding for about a day.  Being a bride who just lost her job gives you a license to be a demanding bitch for about a month before anyone revolts. So far I've used my powers for good and lots of vodka-infused drinks.

Now that the wedding dust has settled, I have to get back to my real life.  It's confusing, though, because my real life doesn't exist in the same way it did before. It's nice to not have to go to work tomorrow, but I feel disoriented, like I'm doing something wrong or unnatural.

I need a plan.  That's pretty much what this blog is for.  Finally, a point for all the rambling - Kudos for making it this far. Writing is a good outlet for me, and hopefully my loss will be your gain in the way of sarcastic, dare I say, funny anecdotes and updates about my career search and my musings on corporate life in general.  And just maybe, it will help me find a job.  After all, it worked when I wanted a husband.*  I may not have plans for my future, but I definitely have grand plans for what this blog can be.  More to come in future posts.  For now, just relax and enjoy my extended vacation.

Unless you still have a job, in which case you should probably do whatever it is you need to do to keep it.



* For more information on that, you should check out my other blog.